Saw these signs at Tarpon Springs yesterday, I'm a big fan of signs. This is my happy place have me like… YAAASS!!!!!! But honestly the only signs I listen to any longer are Jesus signs. Which can still be confusing at times so still working on that in between my smack in the face tantrum demands. He is bombarding me this week which is overwhelming because I don't have my reading and writing, sit still, shut your mind up Aimee and listen to Jesus time. My devotions have been a mess, reading them on the fly and it has been good stuff. I'm here saying okay, mental note Jesus, got it. I am ready to go home so I can sit still and listen.
Went for a run this morning to make time. Which is rough because I haven't exercised much these days. I don't know, just too many triggers for the kind of exercising I enjoy, too much to handle so I feel better to just sit it out. But I'm old, this exercising thing needs to resume peeps. It's good for us, I'm trying.
So back to the run. Devotion was great, thank you Jesus. Now I'm going to put my ear buds in and disappear, maybe see what is up in this mind to write about, music on shuffle. First song, okay thanks Jesus. Love this song as I do many songs. But this song, like exercise, is overwhelming.
We stayed at a Disney resort this week which was lovely and I love Disney. But I hate hotel rooms, hate them. My son is in travel baseball so that brings quite a few traveling hotel stays during the season. Don't get me wrong, I love traveling places, always up for an adventure. But the hotel part, the dead of night quiet is just too sad for me. I usually lay there for a long time and I can't sleep, sometimes cry a few tears. Most of the time cry actually. I shouldn't know what the highs and lows of the dead of night story bring but I only have myself to blame for it. And while there is accountability to take in this fact there is also incredible happiness to remember.
I had a moment last night talking about my biological father to the table and I was probably rambling but it was still a moment nonetheless. I was twenty-four the last time I spoke to him and before that I was maybe six. One thing I know for sure is that I grew up never wanting to be like him. He wasn't in my life, I was adopted by my step dad when I was in first grade. At twenty-four he wanted to re-enter my life so I agreed and he came to Michigan for a weekend visit. I was exhausted from the conversations, oh my goodness deliriously tired and me are not a good combination. The bottom line was that his perspective against my moms on their relationship situation did not match. Everybody makes mistakes and needs forgiveness, myself included. He sat across from me the entire weekend and didn't acknowledge his mistakes, the attitude was he doesn't make any mistakes. My mother raised me my entire life, the first five years by herself. She would sing to me, you and me against the world. Of course I'm going to have an issue with this denial. All I needed was for him to ask for forgiveness and he couldn't do it. For whatever reason he couldn't do it.
Back to now. This moment I had last night, it is hard to make terrible mistakes and I have made plenty of them. That does make me like him, it makes me like every human on this earth. I've been too hard on him. I'm sure both my Mom and John shared in the mistakes of their situation. And that is okay, Jesus loves us all anyway. Perhaps I didn't give him enough time to get to acknowledging the need for forgiveness. I don't have hard feelings toward him but I really haven't given him much of a chance since that meeting many years ago.
Okay Jesus, I get the point and that is some pretty heavy stuff. Crap, I have a lot of work to do when I get home.
I'm FAR from perfect and I've learned these lessons too, life happens. It just does. So while it's our fault we know the highs and lows of the dead of night, it is okay to know, which ever way it ends up. It's going to be okay either way, grace wins all of it.
Dear BF…(that means biological father), let's talk. I'm not a big fan of talking shit out after that weekend but that is what Jesus wants us to do. But I swear, if you just sit there and say "I was there babe" when you and I both know damn well you were not at the hospital with me…well, then I will lose my shit again. Just ask me to forgive you, that's all I need John Leabu. And I will take the blame for the wrong things I've said and done too. I don't need to be the perfect princess to make up for BF, I'm done with the princess business. Well mostly because I do love beautiful hearts. Love, your daughter.
Loved By Grace,