Hey loves, if someone ever tells you the beach is closed throw that sign in the ground. Don’t listen. Just kidding, that might get you in trouble, I just like this sign in it’s proper place because the beach is always open in my book. MY HAPPY PLACE!!!!!! I love it so much I can’t even stand it. Exactly a year ago I was here and I could not wait to come back.
When I first arrived a year ago, I just sat in the chair on the balcony and stared at these waters for hours. I didn’t want to move, I just wanted to take in the warm breeze and feel it fill my lungs with a piece of heaven. Or at least that is what it felt like to me. The water was my Jesus and I felt like it was breathing life back in to me.
You see, I didn’t feel like doing much living in those days. Each day was simply just another day that felt like I should be gone. I was breathing, I knew I was breathing but I really didn’t feel much of anything. I knew I wasn’t dead but I would have much rather been deceased as opposed to walking around with a gaping hole that felt like a slow death, some cosmic joke. Here I was breathing, pumping blood but nothing else. Jesus, why can’t you just take me to heaven? I have nothing left to give. Nothing. I don’t want to be here anymore but I’m here so I’m not going anywhere on my own doing. But seriously, can You say it’s time? Any time would be nice.
But then I arrived at this water. It feels like heaven, I close my eyes and I could stay here forever. For a week this is what I did every day, I just sat here in this chair and stared at the water.
My Jesus, my heaven.
Somewhere along that week I decided to start living again. Not just breathing and pumping blood but really living. It’s not glamorous in fact it’s a beautiful hot mess but it’s living as best as I can with what God has blessed me with here and now. Living is what we make of it, that is what the water was saying to me. As your love, in wave after wave, crashes over me. You make me brave.
Rewind back to last year. Okay Jesus, well that means I need to suck it up and figure out how to fit myself nicely back in to the package that was my previous self. Jesus, that is what I have to work with so that is what I need to do. But that isn’t really what I could accomplish although I tried my best for a long while.
I’m sitting here in my same chair a year later and I’m home because it’s as close to being with my Jesus as I could ever describe in words. Someday I will go home forever but for now I will take this place. And any place You take me.
After another year, many therapy sessions, a whole lot of thinking and buckets of tears that have washed me clean, I know without a doubt I’m not the same person. I’m forever changed and that is me. I will never be the same person that can package herself back in to my previous self. And that is perfectly okay with my Jesus so it sure as hell is good for me.
I’m working really hard each and every day to embrace just being this me within the framework that is reality. Jesus isn’t finished with me yet and that is pretty damn amazing. Sometimes this difference in me takes people off guard. Funny story, my mom isn’t too thrilled about my faith tattoo…I think her exact words were, “that just doesn’t seem like you Aimee. It’s permanent, I’m surprised you would do that and why didn’t you do it when you were younger then?” It gave me a good laugh because I immediately realize now that the people who love me are having to get used to this new me and she doesn’t always seem right to them. Which is too bad because I’m not changing. But if they love me they will get there in time. I’m helping them get there because you see peeps, it’s right for me. It doesn’t have to be right for them, they just need to love me. That’s all they have to do. And even if they don’t, the right me is all Jesus ever wants from me.
He is fine with a work in progress and so here we sit and I’m crying because I love it here. I’ve learned to take this little piece of heaven and find it in every day life, He has taught me how to do this because you’ve heard me say this before, Jesus is the BEST!
One of my MOPS moms shared this today and I love it. It’s so true.
Fast forward back to yesterday. I keep thinking about something that was said to me, the words keep running though my mind. The words, when you chose to leave it. This isn’t the first time hearing those words. In fact last Fall, another person mentioned a similar statement. And just like in the Fall, hearing those words seemed so foreign to me. They weren’t around me to know what was going on with me. They weren’t around to know the whole story. They really have no idea. Although I set the person straight in the Fall, reliving the facts then didn’t change anything. Reliving now won’t go back and change it either. Perhaps I should have let them know I didn’t choose that but they don’t know. It’s water under the bridge now.
You are my strength when I am weak. When I fall down You pick me up. When I am dry You fill my cup. You are my all in all. ❤️
I can’t say I’ve regained all feeling back in this year but I’m much better. I’m still locked up pretty tight unless it’s with Jesus but I’m getting there. And so, I’m just a work in progress.
My happy place on the heels…no coincidence. My heaven…even if just for a moment. ❤️
Loved By Grace,